Saturday, November 28, 2009
Escape From Reality
Oh my goodness...it's been a long time since I've written! Much has happened in this interim; of which will take me a few days to explain, but here's the start.
I have thought long and hard about what I'm about to write, and have argued all the pros and cons and decided to go ahead. I've always tried to be honest with my blog and share those things that I'm going through, or am learning and this is going to be more of the same. For me, "coming out of the closet" like this, is one of the most difficult things I've ever done, but I believe much good can come out of allowing my vulnerability to be visible. So here goes. . .
I am experiencing a challenge called 'breast cancer'. I have had this for about three years, but until just this past summer, I've dealt with it on a very spiritual level. I don't believe "God allowed this to happen" to me or that I am a "victim" of cancer; I know I brought it upon myself! I came to that awareness three years ago, when it first appeared, so that is what drove me to seek what I could do to reverse the damage I had done to myself physically and spiritually.
In Louise Hay's book, "Heal Your Body", Louise points out that cancer is caused by, "deep hurt. Longstanding resentment. Deep secret or grief eating away at the self. Carrying hatreds." And interestingly, breast tumors have to do with, "a refusal to nourish the self. Putting everyone else first. Over mothering. Overprotection. Overbearing attitudes!" (Ouch, that one stings!)
For many years, I struggled with longstanding resentment and carried hatred in my heart. I could not find a way to get past the deep hurt in my soul and forgive those I perceived as having hurt me. Last New Years Day, I asked that this year be the year I learned how to unconditionally love. And since that time, it's been a fast-track roller-coaster ride of emotion. I did, however, learn to forgive and love those who hurt me; choosing instead to see them through the eyes of spirit and acknowledge they are living their life, just as I am living my life. With that understood, I once and for all, let go of the resentment that held me in it's tight grasp all these years. That was the beginning of healing. I had to forgive myself for holding all that ugliness inside me for so long as well. That proved to be really tough, especially since my body showed me the results of that hatred I had harbored every single day in the form of a tumor.
When I got on the other side of all that resentment, I felt as if my spirit had been set free again but the tumor began to grow. I was puzzled and upset because I thought I had done all the work I needed to do to release the very thing that caused it in the first place, but it still grew. That's when the fear kicked in.
I've never, in my whole life been in the hospital as a patient! I was born at home and had my children at home. When I was a little girl, I even had my tonsils taken out in the doctors office! I believe almost all our dis-eases and sicknesses are emotion based and I believe we have the power within to heal our bodies. Mark and I discussed it in great depth and I decided I did not want to go the medical route of a mastectomy, chemotherapy and radiation. I believed I could heal my body naturally, so that is exactly what we set out to do.
I didn't want to tell anyone about it because of my own fears of what people might say and think. I wanted it to be a secret just between my husband and I. The tumor continued to grow. I made the choice to continue to change all negative thoughts to powerful new positive thoughts and put my attention on complete healing in all areas of my life. But as the tumor grew and began to get painful, I became more and more fearful. Fear of dying; fear of pain; just plain terror! And the more fear I felt, the more painful the tumor became. I didn't know what to do or which way to turn. I asked my guides and angels to help me figure out what to do next and they answered me very quickly!
Mark found a website that had a DVD about how to heal yourself from cancer. We watched it and it gave me hope. In fact, it turned my "believing" my body could heal itself into "knowing" my body would heal itself! It was based on drastically changing my diet and lifestyle! Mark and I decided to try it together.
We stopped eating all refined foods; animal products; and vegetable oils. My shopping trips were more like day excursions because I spent hours reading the labels on products to make sure I adhered strictly to the diet plan. We also started doing Reiki on the tumors on a regular basis and stopped taking many of the supplements we were taking because we learned that some of them actually could contribute to cancer growth. I've been on this diet plan for a little over 1 month now and have lost weight (I learned weight is a big contributor to cancer), and the tumor has even begun to shrink.
I still go through days when it is very painful, but usually it's because I'm upset about something. So when it's painful, I ask myself what I'm all worked up about and is it worth the pain to continue to be upset. That makes it much easier for me to simply release it. Also, I think it gets painful when it's shrinking, but that's a good thing.
So now I'm "out of the closet" and am once again living my life transparent before you all! And I will continue to let you know how it's going. I decided since one of the causes of tumors is holding in secrets that this was the best way to face my fears of what people may think or say and release them. Reality says, "my god this is cancer! You better seek medical help or die". But I choose to escape from the deceptive reality of the world and keep my eyes focused on the true reality of who I am.
Please feel free to ask me questions. I'm feeling better than I've felt in a long time and now really am free because I no longer fear death. I know I am an eternal being and this is just one stop of many along the road of my existence. What is there to fear? I will continue to share with you all my journey so that when the tumors are completely gone, we can all celebrate together.